In · Between · Dreams

Today has been a bad good day, a good bad day, a bad bad good day.. I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm not sure what kind of a day it's been. It started okay I guess, I sorta had a feeling of bad day, it was just in the air.. Anyway, started fixing my room, taking down stuff from the walls, and tomorrow I'll put them up again in different places. anyway. so then I texted a friend that I'm not really talking to rigth now, just to see how she's doing, thought I'd be nice, wow did that come back and slap me in the face and kick me in the ass and punch me in the stomach, and pull my hair out and well, you get the picture.. Of course we started fighting about stuff that I'm not sorry I did, I have no reason to be sorry for them, and I hate that she gets to me like this.. I FUCKING HATE IT!
So that was bad, really bad, and then a bunch of other really bad stuff happened. So that kinda got me on the down side.. Then I talked to Ricky, which of course gets me away from the down side, and then he started asking about BASS (he was looking at my online photoalbum)and that kinda gave me mixed emotions if that makes sense. I thought I'd look at all the pictures from BASS and I just kinda started smiling, 'cause we had so much fun, and I miss that, that's the thing, I miss it. I miss just sitting around all day with people I love and just having fun, always laughing and just getting to know everyone and just becoming a family. There was always someone there if you needed someone to talk to, and people just ah, you were all more then wonderful! You all are more then wonderful.. And I miss everyone so darn much..
Anyway, babble babble, I think I just thought of the fact that there was always someone to talk to, and today had been one of those days... Anyway.. I get to see Justin on saturday, that will bring back some BASS feeling.. And then Ricky will be here in like 10 days, that will make things better..
I just wish things were good now

Ahhh.. this is what it's like to be really happy... It feels so weird, I'm in a relationship. I have a boyfriend. Me, Jennifer, I just can't get it into my head. And yes Eden, I'm working on that e-mail. Right now though we're going over a bunch of things 'cause he's most likely flying over here in a few weeks, so when that is sorted out, I will e-mail you. I could just e-mail you and say this. But I had to update my journal, so I just thought I might as well do it here. It's still gonna be kinda new, since it is kinda new, but yeah.


Aaaaaaaaaaaah, it's all good...!!

I think I'm happy, as in happy happy.

A part of me feel that I don't have as many friends as I once did, or that I'm just not talking to as many friends as I used to and I don't really know what's going on with all of my friends, and it feels weird, becuase my friends are SOOOO important to me. It just feels like everythings changing, and there's really nothing we can do about it. I just miss some of my old friends, but that doesn't mean that I like my new friends less, I just.. I don't know. I'm tired of missing people.


Anyway, I'm still feeling happy.

London here I come ...









... And I'm gone

I'm back, I'm actually back, I'm in frickin' Sweden man..!

Greece was like the most amazing thing ever and I decided that I'm going back next year, I'm gonna tell my friends that they have to come with me cause otherwise it's just gonna be me, and that's not that much fun is it?

It was amazing going on a trip with my brothers, Sarah and eventually Johanna. We went to 4 different islands, Naxos, Koufinisi, Santorini and Ios, (that might not makes sense but that's what they are called) I'm the only one who came back home though, they are still in Greece. I'm leaving for England to work in a few days so that's why I'm home early.

I could go on and on about Greece, but at the same time I can't, I would sit here for hours and nobody would read this. I can just say that it was amazing, the things I saw, the people I met, the things I SAW, you can't explain the beauty of it, you can't capture it, but it's there, and it's amazing.


Now that I'm home I miss people, I don't have that many people to hang out with this summer, so I might still go to BASS, we'll see. Oh well, talk to me please, so I have something to do.


I will always remember my trip to Greece, because it changed me, and I saw a different kind of beauty, in land and in people.


I'm confusing cause I say one thing about something, and then I say something else about something else, and then I go back to the first thing. It's because I've been travelling for 2 days, and now I'm going to bed.


I'm home, I'm tired, but I'm home...

I'm leaving in less then 2 days!! it's frickin crazy.. In 3 days I'll be in a different country, and in a few weeks I'll be on London working.. aahh, I love it! I'm still working on the issue if I'm going to BASS or not this year. I did sign up for it, but I'm not sure I can put down money for it since I'm doing this other stuff, however, it is BASS, and I don't wanna miss it, oh well, we'll see, whatever happens it's gonna be a great summer.!

Hope everything is great with everyone.!


-Jennifer

I need to update this thing, just to update it you know?

Last day of school was a week ago, and oh what a week it's been. I saw Michael Bublé + band, they were frickin' amazing!! And I've been sick, and I'm still sick, but I don't care, cause I feel happy. I'm leaving for Greece in 5 days, going with my brothers and some friends, I can't wait!!!! It's going to be awesome, then I'm coming home a few days earlier then the rest of the gang because I'm working in London for a weekend at the London Film and Comic Con, and I'm so excited about that, I'm gonna "work" with Elijah Wood again and also Alan Tudyk and Nathan Fillion from Serenity + so many more but those are the ones I look forward to the most, and Richard Dreyfuss and Sean Patrick Flanery, anyway, it's gonna be a good weekend, I'm just so happy about it that I have to write it here, cause I'm actually happy. I'M HAPPY!!


Anyway, I do miss a few people though, but I'm still happy. I'm not going to let anything bring me down, but sometimes I miss people so much that I just feel like calling everyone just to see how their doing. There are so many friends that I just don't talk to as much anymore, and I feel like I should just call them up, just to see how things are going and to show that I still want to be their friend, and that I miss them, but then I don't. But I want to, I want to call everyone.


Despite all the bad things in my life right now that should bring me down, and should take away my happiness, I'm still happy. I'm just so tired of feeling like shit, so I just don't anymore.

It's the new me, that's actually the old me..... I'm back!

Taylor Hicks won American Idol


Taylor Hicks won American Idol


Taylor Hicks won American Idol


Taylor Hicks won American Idol


Ahhhh, I love it, I love it, I love it!!!

I just updated my journal, with this really long entry and erased it as soon as I posted it.. Weird..


I hit a homerun today in gym class or pe or whatever it's called, which was awesome + the teacher liked it.


I started crying today in school which sucked, I hate that I'm not myself right now = the past 2-3 months.


I hope I'm not being an idiot and a jerk towards people, I mean I know I am, but I hope people know that I don't want to be.


I hate when I don't have anything good to say, not here, but just everywhere.. Sorry


I hope people know that even though I'm not really myself rigth now, they can talk to me, I think a lot of my friends in school etc. don't think they can talk to me anymore, and I hate that.


Life is hard

It's funny, because earlier today, just a few hours ago, I thought I was ready to be myself again, and when I had the chance to actually be me, I chickend out. I think it's because recently I just haven't felt accepted by people, it feels a little like people are sick and tired of me, which is okay, but if they are I would like them to tell me so I know that, that person and myself aren't really talking right now. The funny thing is, I'm sick and tired of a person who is a close friend, we see eachother practically every day and I don't want to be around her, because whenever I am, she makes me feel like I don't deserve to be alive, she makes me sad and mad, and she just makes me feel like an idiot. I just don't think I should hang out with her right now, but yet, I can't tell her. One part of it is because I hate hurting peoples feelings, and the other is that we have to go to school together for another year after this year and it would be awkward and we have to be able to work together. But if someone feels like that towards me, I wanna know, if YOU are tired of me, please tell me, cause I'm just walking around here all clueless and stuff. And if for example you are tired of me I don't want to bother you and make you feel sick of me all the time, I would just want to give you space.


So I started this little thing right here by saying I'm just not ready to be me yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not me. I am me, I, most of the time act like me, and I'm still me, it just means that I'm not really that comfortable with being me, if that makes sense, I'm me, but not me, but if someone needs me to be me, then I can do that aswell. (I've never said the word me that many times in such a short text before, but I'm just trying to make it make sense)


Anyway, I'm done.. thanks for reading..
-Jennifer


p.s. I'm refering to you in this post, but that you isn't a special you, I'm just saying you, to anyone who's reading this.

It's been a good weekend.. I'm ready to go back to being myself again, it's been a while since I felt like me. I think I'm ready, I hope I'm ready.

I really needed to talk to someone today, and I mean talk talk, not write talk, hear someone respond with their voice, and I had no idea who to talk to, oh well.. Another super day...


I don't know if I'm gonna write in this thing any more, I only complain all the time.

I've had a really, really, really bad day today, I mean really. I just have to think about today, and it makes me wanna cry.


I'm so tired of everything.
Certain people just hurt me all the time, and I let them..
The doctors never find anything wrong with me, which is great, that I'm not sick. But at the same time, I am sick, so it makes me mad that they can't find anything. And also, I was so mad when I left the doctors today so I didn't take their advice which was to stay there and have water and just wait, because they had given me something that makes you shake in a nervous kind of way (which was very scary) and have heart palpitation or whatever it's called. So like I said, I didn't take their advice and when I was heading for the subway I almost fainted, I got really dizzy and nothing made sense, so that was also scary.


Anyway, I'm fine. I'm tired of complaining, but in a way, the only thing I feel these days are pain, so I can't really help it. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me, I just need to write this down so I can move past it.


That's that.!

Today was boring, like really boring, I was at a "party" and it was boring, I was there cause my mom didn't want to go by herself, her childhood friend had her 50th birthday, and I'm sorry, but it was boring!


Yesterday I had a panic attack (again) cause I just feel like I'll never finish the things I need to get done in the time I have left before they need to be done (that was longer then it had to be).. I don't know what to do.


The day before yesterday was actually fun, I had Strongbow.... it was awesome.


I'm tired now, and I'm going to bed, tomorrow is a busy day, just like all the other days..


Hope you all are doing great, and if not great, at least good.!

Why can't stuff just be easy?

I don't even know what's going on anymore... I had this big breakdown yesterday so I couldn't go to school today, so I missed an exam (which I'll take next week instead but still) I'm so tired and unhappy, I just want to be happy. I just wish I could talk to someone, who would just listen, and it needs to be rigth, if that makes sense, I can't just talk to anyone, it needs to feel good when I talk, like I don't hold anything back, cause that's what I do, I hold things back, and I'm sick of it.
The thing is, I can't just ask someone to actually listen to me, because that's too much to ask, everyone has their own thing, I can't just ask someone to take time to listen to me, it's just not fair. Even though I don't mind listening to people, I don't mind it at all, doens't mean that other people don't mind it, if you know what I mean. This is just not a good time, and I want it to be.




I'll be fine ...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...!!!


I hate


I hate


I hate


I hate


I hate


I hate


I hate


Everything right now.. I need advice!!

Okay, almost friday.!
So I had a swedish exam yesterday which was so easy that I actually got mad, cause it just felt like I put down so much time in studying for it (sleepless nights) and then it was so easy. So yeah, when I came home yesterday, I had to study for my exam that I had today, (about laws and stuff withing TV and advertising etc) So OF COURSE I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8:30 at night and then just didn't feel like reading at all! But I knew I had to so I took a seat on my bed and started reading everything, and all of a sudden I saw blood - my nose started to bleed (first time in my life that, that happened) it totally freaked me out and it just feels wrong, that school is pushing me so hard and making me feel so bad that my nose actually starts to bleed. Oh well, so I was up until 4 last night, then I couldn't sleep so really I was pretty much up all night, and then today, the exam was so EASY!! like really, I don't get it (I mean I guess it's because when I study I really study and I actually knew the stuff that I was supposed to but still) it just feels like I'm pushing myself to hard and I don't like it, but I can't stop. So I actually wrote 13 pages (hand written) on my exam today and it feels really good. Next week I have one of my english exams and a history exam, plus I have to turn in a really important paper in social studies about terrorism. Then the week after that I have exams in math among other things. Then the weeks after that I have yet another english exam (different part) among other things. And then I have to finish a really big assignment for my photo course (or however you say that). And at the same time we have this play that we're doing in school that we're performing on may 29th at this really big theater. So basically, I have a lot to do, and at the same time I have to try and have a life... ha, good luck with that Jennifer....


No life and no sleep makes Jennifer go something, something


crazy?


DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Stupid everything